BDSM: Learn the Ropes Before Diving In

If you’ve ever tickled a partner in bed until they gasped, held down their arms (or had yours held down) for a moment or two, or engaged in a little bit of pinching, biting, or spanking, then you’ve already dabbled in “light” BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism.

Why might someone want to delve deeper? Well, you know what they say about variety: It’s the spice of life. Beyond that, “honestly, it’s a great release,” says Mistress Sloane, a dominatrix who works at The Taillor Group, a kink and fetish space in Brooklyn, New York. (She asked that her real name not be used in this article “because the stigma attached is still too great in my ‘vanilla’ life.”)

“I think so much of our society is just about keeping things inside, and this is an opportunity to have a total release from that pressure and really let go of any expectation that people have of you,” she explains. “It’s your opportunity to be the person you can’t be in other spaces.”

Sloane advises those interested in pursuing BDSM to start by fantasizing. “Take a moment for yourself and just let go. What would you want to do with your partner if there were zero expectations? This does not even have to be sexual. Start easy. Work your way to your deepest desires slowly and compassionately.”

Like every aspect of the BDSM scene, if you’re going to try kink with a partner, your first focus should be on consent and safety. “To protect yourself and your partner, there should always be a safe word and you should always talk about boundaries and limits beforehand,” says Francesca Gentille, a clinical sexologist who’s been a member of and mentor in the San Francisco BDSM community for many years. “Also, start on the conservative side because you can always do more.”

“Be gentle with your partner and yourself,” agrees Sloane. “Sounds silly for BDSM, but it’s the most important part. Uncovering kinks and desire is scary. Think about the first time you had sex. It felt like jumping off a diving board into the unknown. This is the same. Take time with your partner to fill out ‘Yes,’ ‘No,’ ‘Maybe’ lists.”

“Start out slow,” she adds. “Start with maybe a feather on the body or getting blindfolded while your partner runs an ice cube down your thigh. Incorporating BDSM doesn’t have to mean being tied up. It is as wide, welcoming, beautiful, and spacious as the intimacy, consent, and love we share with the world.”

Here are more pro-domme tips for how the kink-curious can explore their budding interest:

Read steamy stories. There’s a world of erotic fiction online where you can vicariously enjoy some kink and learn more about what you might like or not like to try. A good place to start is with the short stories under the BDSM tag at the free website Literotica. To find popular BDSM-themed reads sold in bookstores, enter “BDSM” in the search engine at Goodreads. Reading about characters’ experiences can help you create character for yourself, notes Sloane. So can watching mainstream television and movie depictions of BDSM, such the six-episode Showtime series Submission and the 2002 feature film Secretary, starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader.

“One of best things about kink is that you can go beyond your everyday self,” she says. “Maybe you’re an angry housewife who spanks your partner with a rolling pin. Maybe you’re the boss and he, she, or they are the secretary. Who are your kink personas? What are the roles you’ve always wanted to inhabit?”

Learn the ins and outs. Find nonfiction practical advice in books like Exploring BDSM: A Workbook for Couples (or More!) Discovering Kink, by Morgan Thorne; Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, by Philip Miller and Molly Devon; and Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating the Kink, Leather, and BDSM Communities, by Lee Harrington. There’s also Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: BDSM for Beginners, a couples-friendly sexual education video from the well-known porn performer and director, as well as a myriad of videos on YouTube.

“Learning how do a proper spanking on YouTube can be a really good thing,” notes Mistress Damiana Chi, a dominatrix in Los Angeles. “People think spanking is like you just whack,” she says. “It isn’t. It’s a sensual experience. If you don’t start the right way with light tapping to warm up the skin, followed by a very slow progression, it doesn’t feel good ever.”